Lana Del Rey’s song lyrics often get misrepresented as glamorizing abuse or misogyny. People will often read lyrics from a surface level standpoint if they bother to read them at all. The reason Lana’s songs resonate with me so well is because it’s satirical lyricism of how men portray us in abusive, toxic, or self destructive situations, but people who have lived it know the situations were much darker than they sound in the song. It’s like masking how trauma effects you by creating a storyline that’s easier to swallow. Because the men’s version doesn’t sound as bad.

In Ultraviolence, for example, she says “He hit me and it felt like a kiss” which is both a reference to the 1962 song by Carole King and a representation of how women that have only known abuse can see forms of control and violence as love. Abusive narcissists often paint their victims as the abusive one, and because the abuse can get women to act out of character in their reactions to the abuse. “I was filled with poison, but blessed with beauty and rage” was a way I was once described by an abuser. However, anyone that’s known me well knows I am a forgiving and compassionate person. I would never go out of my way to hurt someone unprovoked. Being described as poisonous because I had the ability to defend myself left me confused about my own morality and had me questioning if my behavior made me the same.

Many victims aren’t proud of their behavior, but abusive people often don’t see anything wrong with theirs. Narcissists will say their control, violence, or even gaslighting was out of “care” or would dismiss it completely or underplay what happened. They can’t comprehend that their behavior can have consequences that result in someone getting rightfully angry. Narcissists go after kind people because they take kindness as weakness and don’t see them as someone that would fight back. Kindness isn’t weakness though and everyone has their limits. Some people bottle it up until it becomes too much and eventually lash out. However, that’s why it’s important to see the signs of abuse early and leave before it gets to that point.

It isn’t just men that act abusive, but it is often men that defend itt as normal or will try to make the victim seem worse for defending themselves. We should work towards ending cruelty and manipulation for everyone and that means holding your friends accountable when you see them drinking too much, serial cheating, or acting in a way that’s self destructive. You might not see it as “your place” but actively ignoring it is playing a part in the harm done to their victims and leaves your friend not seeing anything wrong with their behavior. They’ll end up having an unstable life, poor relationships, bad health, and could leave them in trouble financially or with the law if it goes unchecked for too long.

Right now there’s a lot of controversy on why women are less afraid of bears than men. Men think we don’t see bears as dangerous, but it’s not that. Bears are predictable, held accountable, and don’t hurt others to prove they’re powerful. We don’t want to be scared of you, and it would be beneficial to try to heal our perception of men by being loud examples of men standing up against other men’s abusive behavior and speaking openly about therapy, mental health, and encouraging your friends that are struggling to seak help. Staying silent enables bad men to be the reputation of most men when it isn’t. However, until we know which men are held accountable by eachother it won’t change.

Getting sober, seaking treatment for mental health, and being a loving partner and father don’t make men weak. Those things make men strong and the kind of men women strive to be with. You don’t need perfection, but you should want to strive to be a man women would feel safe to be around if they knew the kind of person you are behind closed doors. If you’ve made mistakes or are struggling now, it’s never too late to seek help to make your future brighter. Ask yourself — would I be happy if my daughter was married to a man like me. If the answer is no then strive to correct what you’d be most concerned about.